We get it. You LOVE Mewtwo. Dragonite is SO cool, Arcanine is the BEST. But what about the ones that were though up at 4:59 on a 9-5 workday and accidentally snuck through into the game proper? Who thinks about them?
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"Land Snake Pokemon" my ass what the FUCK is this thing? It has a stinger? And wings? But is sure ain't a bumblebee. Is it asleep? Are those fangs? Is that a shell or a saddle? This thing has wings, but isn't a flying type, AND DODUO IS????? GODDAMMIT GAMEFREAK!
Someone clearly got some code wrong somewhere and accidentally the item "Heart Scale" to become a pokemon and this goddamn abomination occured. How does it swim? Is that a beak? Why does it need clearly defined cheeks? If it's a Heart why does it look more like a giant butt? Would I have liked this Pokémon a lot better if it was called "Buttdisc" and was Water/Poison?
A ugly ass dragon that is even lacking the fucking dragon type, srsly game freak get your shit together. They even painted him fucking orange, oragne = weak. He is fire/flying double fucking weakness to stealth fucking rocks, the only fucking viable move in this metagame. XY gave some bad fucking stones that are supposed to rip him. That didn't work, his strongness is still fucking metapod tier. Charizard can only compete with not fully evolved pokémon, luddisc and unown. Even fucking luvdisc beats him with a super effective SFTAFB (same fucking type attack fucking bonus) water gun. Charizard SUX . the end
IT'S FUCKING KEYS. THEY WERE SO HUNG UP ON IDEAS THAT SOMEONE JUST WENT "Uhhh Uhhh I don't know" THEN FELT HIS POCKET AND THERE WERE KEYS SO HE SAID "Keys!" AND THEY GAVE HIM A PROMOTION AND HE WENT HOME AND MADE LOVE TO HIS BEAUTIFUL WIFE AND HAD DINNER WITH HIS BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN AND NEXT GENERATION THERE'S GONNA BE A WALLET POKEMON.
Y'know what? No. No. Bidoof is awesome. Look at that cute motherfucker. Don't you wanna like hold it in your arms and squeeze it tight but not in a murder way in like a cuddle way? It's so unassuming to a point where it's almost sinister. Like other dumb pokemon are trying to look tough or cool, but not Bidoof. Bidoof is just there...silent...staring...
I think Bidoof is up to something.
I don't think Arceus is calling the shots, anymore.
And it's only available via special event, therefore not making it part of any specific plot even though a Pokemon game where you faced GOD and had to deal with all those moral dillemas would be AMAZING, and it doesn't learn it's signature move til Level 100
Fuck you Gamefreak. You goddamn blue-ballers. "Hey, here's something awesome BUT YOU CAN'T HAVE IT HAHAHA" yo fuck Arceus just on principal.
Yeah I bet you forgot about this one. Probably because it's pre-evolution actually resembles a ladybug and Ledian looks more like a third-tier Bomberman character. And it's got those dumb jewel eyes and it looks like its wearing high heels which are completely unnessecary. Why is it personified? Ladybugs don't have arms and legs, they just have legs. This is clearly one of those pokemon the designers never intended to be used by players, but merely as an annoying "You gotta get through THESE wild pokemon to find a good one!" type of pokemon.
"*GASP* YOU'RE SAYING A POKEMON FROM THE ORIGINAL 151 IS ONE OF THE WORST HOW DARE YOU?"
Cool you're fucking jets and convince me that Nidoran♂ is a decent pokemon.
Whaddaya got? Nothing? Thought so.
First off, it's poison-type. Plain poison, which I'm pretty sure is the worst type as it's weak to Ground and Psychic, two of the most utilized types in the whole game, and strong against Grass, which is weak against Fire. Are you gonna pick a Poison pokemon over a Fire pokemon? No. Of course you're not.
Secondly, what the fuck is this thing? At least Nidoran♀ look like some kinda rabbit type mammal thing but Nidoran♂ just looks like he was drawn by a fifth grader. It's a "Poison Pin Pokemon". What does that even mean? And it's got those goddamn "How To Draw Manga" Instruction booklet eyes. This is a dumb dumb pokemon. The Original 151 are NOT sacred.
"Hey, you know what Pokemon we should give another try? Luvdisc. I'm gonna revamp it!" - The son of someone important who works for Gamefreak and can't be fired because their father brings in A LOT of business.
This New Jersey Hair Stylist of a pokemon is just a goddamn mess and I know that's the point but at least Muk and Grimer had some menace to them. This this thing is just...what...sentient trash? Is it like connected somehow? What is going on in its digestive system? Can it eat itself?
...because there weren't nearly enough Normal/Flying types to begin with?
It's a "flying" type but where are its wings? How does it fly? You can't be a flying type and NOT FLY. THAT ISN'T HOW THIS WORKS unless it uses its two heads like a GODDAMN HELICOPTED PROPELLOR. Which way is forward? Does it just stumble about on its dumb dumb legs, going around in circles because it has no sense of direction?
At least Dodrio looks vaugely badass...except WHERE DOES THE THIRD HEAD COME FROM? So this pokemon just sprouts ANOTHER head that has sentience and individual thoughts? Do the other two bully it or is the third head just like a combination of the two? THIS WHOLE OF LINE POKEMON WAS NOT THOUGHT OUT.
Pokemon is so overpopulated with water types that it's downright annoying when there's new ones that add nothing new or interesting, but I don't even know what's going on here. It's a clam that turns into one of two eels? What was wrong with Shellder? And one of those eels is a super pink lady eel and the other is like a polka dot sea snake? I'm just baffled.
First off, they're firefly bugs and NOT electric type? Fuck right off a cliff.
Basically anytime they try to do "Oh these two pokemon are same but specifically gendered!" they come off looking goddamn dumb. Volbeat looks like he's tryna be the Coppertone girl, and Illumise has a weird faux-hairdo thing going on so that it looks feminine but animals don't LOOK feminine that just ARE. Lionesses don't have goddamn buns.
You can tell these ones were made close to the deadline to up the number of new additions.
Shuckle is one of those pokemone that is so goddamned dumb that it loops around and becomes awesome again.
First off: It's a "Mold Pokemon", so apparently Shuckle will just grow in your bathroom if you don't clean it and keep the shower running.
But just imagine it flooping its tentacles trying to crawl up a mountain, its head boppin' from side to side, occasionally retreating into it's shell to act like it's just a rock even though what fucking rock looks like that?
Shuckle's a goddamn doof but it doesn't act like it isn't so it gets props from me.
Pachirisu, the "EleSquirrel" pokemon is so clearly just another Pikachu re-hash, so much so that it looks like they just stole it from a badly pirated copy of one of there games. YOU DON'T NEED A NEW PIKACHU EVERY GENERATION. YOU ALREADY HAVE A PIKACHU.